The Means of Life is a Mean Life

Disclaimer:  I’m opening up one of these, because knowing that my mind is out on the Internet for whoever to see makes my thoughts more real, almost tangible.  Now you can know who I am and where I stand. I used to be more open, but due to circumstances I may touch on later I closed a bit up.  I hope to say I am back and with a vengeance, but my passion has had a disease my entire life of being consistently inconsistent.  I do feel very different this time.  This past Sunday might have been a break-through.

Over the past while I’ve been struggling to pin-point my feelings, and I honestly think it’s because I haven’t been writing for a while.  I’ve suffered with constant confusion and a daily delusion that I have anything together.  Writing helps me simplify the ‘pandemonium’ I get from the everyday crap that bogs me down.  I know now how great of a way it is to validate, verify, and put some value into what I’m actually feeling. 

Basically, it’s a form of therapy that helps me think, and help me communicate better.  I has problem with effectives communicately correcting.  :] 

I also believe in an epidemic of “non-thinkers” and this is why I delve into my feelings.   But that’s another blog.

I keep saying, “I,” “Me,” and “feelings.”  I feel like that’s not a good way for me to be, but hey this is my blog so I get to tell you about myself.  After all this is my therapy.

——-_______DUMPING OUT THIS WEEK_______——-

Dave’s been talking about pandemonium this past month, and I feel like that hit me hard.  A possible break-through happened because it all kind of came together this past Sunday.  I realized that life is this constant mess of shrubbery (sounds like an awesome perspective already, right?) that is all fangled, mangled and tangled into a giant heap of crap.  And in order for me to keep some kind of outsider perspective I have to be CONSISTENT.  I don’t mean to sound like I have life figured out.  That’s something that bothers me.  As Americans, we try to define life in a few simple words or steps.  But that’s bogus, life is complicated, and impossible to define.  It’s just a mess.  All we can do is just try to make sense of what we’ve got.  Anyway…Speaking of Consistent…Dave freaking hits me every time, even more than Britney Spears who has to hit me one more time.  Bah.  But I didn’t realize how HUGE that consistency is.  Here’s a question, how much consistency do you need?  Ha.  It’s ridiculous how much I need in order to stay focused.  This is what has happened to me consistently once I had a faith of my own:  I would go to church on Sunday, maybe get something out of it, and Monday comes, it’s gone.  Saturday is rough, and then Sunday I realized what I had been missing.   A freakin’ circle.  I struggle to focus. 

This week, God broke me down.  And came in like the Kool-Aid guy through my bedroom wall.  Except I didn’t get any fruit drink, but rather a healthy dose of humility-aid.  And honestly, it kind of tastes like cough medicine.  I feel as if I finally can admit that I am nothing.  God broke my pride.   I am absolutely nothing.  A speck on this earth.  Ha.  There are BILLIONS of other people living on this planet.  Who am I?  I am no-one.  Absolutely no-one, nothing.  But I want SO PASSIONATELY to be SOMEONE.  GOD, I WANT TO BE SOMEONE.  I want God to look down on the Earth and there’s a light in concord.  As if God would say, “Everyone breathes, eats, grows up, goes to school, gets a job, gets married, has kids, maybe goes to church, but never feels me.  There are billions of these.  A dime a dozen would be a joke of a phrase.  But Luke…he did something BIG to be who he was/is.”  It’s not that I feel like God will accept me, I know he does.  But I feel like I could accept myself, and at least when I get to heaven I don’t feel inadequate.  I fight DAILY with inadequacy.  That’s a problem of mine.  But it’s also a strength of mine I believe.  B/c it fuels my passion for doing something BIG, and THAT I don’t believe is wrong.  God uses the weak, and I am weak.  So God, use me.

So in order to find a sense of worth, I’ve been looking for different jobs, potentially with a group of Christians.  The reason for that is, I believe in order to help fuel my passion, I need to surround myself with deep relationships that can build me up more than just talk about how great Bojangles is, and how good looking that girl was for a sixteen year old  (For the record Bojangles is terrible). …I work at Time Warner Cable, what can I say.  I just feel like I need a job doing something of worth.  I would also take a job that could just give me more time to focus on getting more involved with what’s going on in Kinetic.

I did ask God to tear me down and build me back up.  He tore me down really good then, Ha.  But I know I had to have a lot stripped down to become where I am now.  I had a lot of pride before, and a lot of selfishness.  I pray my motivation and passion will stay strong. 

So maybe I’ll type a prayer, that maybe you the reader could use too:

God, you are my God.  And I am yours.  I am so small, so make me big.  I am nothing, but through you, I can be everything.  Fuel my passion.  Because when my passion is strong I feel you the most.  Move in my life.  And please move me.  Keep my pride broken, but keep me strong for you.  Give me wisdom and words to use to share it.  God, build me to be unconditionally yours.  God, you are my God.  And I am yours.

How consistent would I be if I said that often?

Anyway, thanks for listening.