The Sin of Sloth

God, if there is one sin I’m most guilty of, it’s this one.  Please forgive me for my past, and help me into the future as I try to correct this disgusting sin in myself.  Help me use my past to project me forward.  I know you will give me the opportunities to prove myself, forgive my future failures and use them to teach me.  I will fail.  But I’m asking for your help and through that I know I’ll have a lot more success when there are times I need to be diligent, and follow through.

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     Sloth.  I think this is the absolute most prominent and growing sin in America.  I’m definitely guilty of it.  Sloth is (according to wikipedia) “spiritual or emotional apathy, neglecting what God has spoken, and being physically and emotionally inactive.”  I am so tired of seeing this everywhere.  Not b/c I’ve conquered it, but b/c it’s WRONG.  I’ll show you how I do it, why it’s wrong, and how the church’s in America do it.

     Ok, like I said it’s the most prominent in America; it’s also the most prominent in me.  One thing I fail at the most is following through.  I’ve known this for a long time, but never really dealt with it.  Sure, it’s bothered me before, but being lazy sure doesn’t help with trying to fix it.  As with any fault, it’s hard to correct just by ‘will-power’ alone.  Plus I didn’t really realize how much of a fault it was…until now.  I’ve got to get serious about it.  And it seems really hard from where I’m coming from.

     I struggle with finishing anything.  P90X the last month has been killer trying to will myself to finish.  Video games I get 3/4 of the way through and don’t feel the need to finish.  Reading books, I have a hard time finishing.  Cleaning up whatever, I don’t finish.  I get really excited about starting things, but have a hard time finishing them.  I’ve learned it is part of my personality traits from the DISC test.(I’m an I-S).  But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a flaw in my character that I need to correct.  We all have to continually progress or we’re just logs in the water.  But it’s not that I don’t finish everything, a lot of the time it’s also not proactively doing something, and just letting things slide.  I know I need to fix my car. I know I need to work out. I know I need to study for a test. I know I need to do whatever, but getting myself to do it, and just ACT on something is a struggle for me.  I feel so powerless to overcome it. 

     Here’s why it’s wrong.  It’s affecting other people, it’s affecting  my own personal growth.  And ya, it’s in the Bible.  Btw it is one of the ’seven deadly sins,’ but that list isn’t in the Bible.  It was actually composed by some medieval theologians.  There’s not a ton about how being lazy as bad (mainly in proverbs 12:24, 13:4, 15:19, 18:19), it’s more about how being productive is good (Col 3:23 but other ex. are more specific like dealing with anger/issues/whatever promptly rather than procrastinating Matt 5:23 Eph 4:26 Luke 14:21 and more). 

     I see this in the church’s of America.  But here’s the problem, it’s not just their own lives (as pastors/leaders)….They’re managing/messing with other people’s lives.  And more importantly, their souls.  This really, really, really pisses me off.  How can you not take that INCREDIBLY seriously?  You are CLAIMING to say what GOD HIMSELF is saying to them(btw this is why I never want to be a preacher).  Do you know who God is?  Or is He just some fairy in the sky to you?  I can’t understand why there are so many people who want to be pastors.  The pastors God calls have to know so much stuff b/c they will come to a double judgement.  But it’s like they chose to be a pastor b/c they can just read one book all the time and pull sermons from what they heard as a kid and pretend like there’s something in what they’re saying.  People teach the bible like it’s a history book.  Which it is, but it’s not just that, it’s SO SO SO much more than that.  It’s a living book.  Hello?!  But people somehow still show up, desperately hoping their going to get something out of the CRAP that you’re preaching.  You are destroying more people’s lives than Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or Hitler ever did. 

     Ok, listen.  This is why people don’t like Christianity as a religion; Because they are getting toilet water when they could be getting fountains and fountains of fresh spring water that tastes like nothing you’ve ever had.  Where are the REAL christians?  Not ‘real’ as in they study all the right stuff make all the right moves, but the ones who really genuinely care about people, read their Bibles but only b/c they’re getting  something amazing out of it: A relationship with the most powerful Being who made the universe, who made the world who made you, who made the trillions upon trillions of atoms that made you.  There is a real, living God out there.  I am not crazy.  I don’t just believe in God b/c I went to church enough.  I have a relationship with this Guy.  That’s what a lot of church’s are missing b/c of their Sloth.

     Discalimer:  I am wrong on my own level, let me assure you.  I’m messed up.  And I know that no pastor is perfect.  However I’m just angry at the frivilous nature of how preaching pastors are dealing with their jobs in a lot of the church’s I’ve seen in America.   I can’t even post a solution to my own problem or the problem in America I have pre-supposed.  I can only say what I’ve seen, and that only God can fix us.

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     God, forgive the preaching pastors who have dealt with you frivilously like a magic man in the clouds.  Shake up their worlds so hard that they see you for the terrifying but great God that you are.  Counselor, please speak to these pastors in America and break their hearts until they see you and hear your voice.   Jesus thank you so much for dying for me so that I actually have a chance to meet you.  You saved me, you can save the world.  Save the ones who hear these pastors and believe what they hear, when they just need to hear your voice and God’s voice in the Bible you made.  Destroy Satan.  God, kill all the words Satan puts in people’s mouths thinking that they are Yours.  Teach pastors how to work hard, how to speak your words.  Destroy our nature for sloth.  You are the only One who can make this all work.  You have the power to.  I trust you.  In Jesus’ name.

To love and be loved.

God, thank you for the process that brought me to this moment of clarity.  You are the greatest teacher I’ve ever known.  Even though I don’t like the way I have to be brought to it sometimes, you are God and I trust you always. 

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All I want, and all you want is to be loved.  But God’s doing it right. 
If you want to be loved, you have to love.  God died for you.  How are you loving him?

These are the questions I ask myself all the time.  My brain won’t quit asking this stuff.  And it’s funny the answers I’ve gotten.  I’m actually learning a lot from our dog.  Roxie.  She can be crazy at times, but the easiest time to love her is when she calms down and looks up at you, rests her head on your hand or thigh, and basically says, “I need you, daddy.”  It may be stupid, but my heart melts for her when she does that.  God loves this way.  The easiest times for God to love you and tell you that He loves you, is when you quiet down, turn off the music, turn off the noise, get rid of everything around and just say, “I need you, God.”  He will speak the loudest words in the few quiet moments of silence. 

I went through a few diff versions, but NIV I think says it best.
Psalm 1 : 1-3  Blessed is the man who does not walk in the cousel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.  But his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whoe leaf does not whither.  Whatever he does prospers.

Stop.  Listen.  Meditate.  God will love you most when you chew on his words and listen to his voice. 

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God grant me the wisdom to stop and listen to you.  Nothing saves more time than spending time with you.  Jesus, come and teach me how to be like you when you listened to God on earth.  Counselor, speak the words to my heart that make me listen when I am most stubborn and need to be calm and quiet to hear you.  You love me, and I love you.  You are the only one who guide me through. In Jesus’ name.

Why would God love ME?

That’s the question I’ve been asking these past couple weeks.  After all, there’s nothing really outstanding about me.  I’m not incredibly daft.  I don’t have great organizational skills.  I’m not a born leader.  I’m not really anything special.  If I try hard enough I can do most things well.  But I don’t see one specific thing that God would have created me FOR.  But I think I’ve found an answer, but in doing so I found out I had to start at the very beginning.

Is there a God?

Details.  God likes to hide himself, but that’s where God proves himself.  Think of how incredibly detailed this entire place is.  If you just really contemplate on how detailed (for instance) our bodies are.  Every organ in every specific place that makes you work.  And past that, there’s an atomic structure that just so happens to work.  Think of how big the universe is (actually, not just ya, it’s big, what about it).  Have you ever thought about how many living things there are on this planet that all work (for the most part) in harmony?  On our ground level we come across a lot of other people, dogs, cats, goats, fish, deer, bears, and have you ever thought how many different types of bugs there are?  But when you really think about it, it’s amazing how many there are, and how detailed every single one is.  Every bug has a different design, a different color, a different order of organs, how in the world could there NOT be an intelligent designer who made this all work?  There’s way too much involved that works so perfectly together for there not to be a designer.

Ok, so that was my debauched job at proving intelligent design.  Now, is this designer God?  This is where people defer, but the God of our world, has been the only one making himself known coming down from the eternal.  We can prove through history that Jesus was a man who came to earth.  He said he was God, and either he was crazy, or he was right.  He can’t be just a prophet, cos if he was just a prophet, he would have lied a lot, and lied big, pretending to be God.  Revoking his right to be a prophet. So if Jesus wasn’t crazy, God must be our designer.

So is God good and evil?  After all, he created sin, right?  People say cold exists, but it’s just the absence of heat.  People say darkness exists, but it’s just the absence of light.  Evil/sin is similar, it’s just the absence of God(taken from Albert Einstein).  If you go back to how you contemplated God in the first place, and how involved this world is, how intricate it is, and how it all works together healing itself, God can ONLY be good, I would argue.

So, if God is only good, then why would he send people to hell?  This might sound weird, but God sends people to hell, only b/c He is so good.  In fact, we all should be sent to hell.  God is SO good, and SO perfect and yes, I’m going to use the word Holy.  God, I would argue, can only be this way, or this earth wouldn’t be the way that it is.  C.S. Lewis argues about how the law inside of us that we all have as a standard is not absent in any culture.  Regardless of whether or not they are in contact with modern culture.  This law is how we act towards others, our sense of justice, how we play along.   This could turn into deep theology, but God is absolutely perfect having all those qualities, but God doesn’t internally argue w/that law in moral dilemmas b/c He is that law.  God, being so perfect, must be just.  God cannot be perfect, and not just.  He must act out the punishment that people deserve if they do not do what his law says.  This is where it gets good.

B/c God is just, we cannot be with him, but b/c He is so good, He loves enough that he actually sent part of Himself, His son to be the sacrifice that would actually pardon us from the judgment we deserve.  We just have to love him back.

So why would God love ME?  It turns out that, knowing all of this, begs the other questions; Does God need me?  Does he need me to be something special so that he can use me for something he needs done?  What does he need me to become?  How do I do this?  again, Does God even NEED me?  Does he The answer is no, I need Him.  Because I’m so messed up, b/c I can’t get things right.   It isn’t about how good I am, it’s about how great God is.

God being so perfect, so good, died for everyone who wants to accept Him.  That way it can all make sense.  Why would God love me, is just a self-centered question answered by; God already loved you enough to die for you.  He’s perfect in Himself, but He wants you to be with Him.  You need Him.  He’ll show you how much He loves throughout your life.  But if you keep searching to find out more about Him, you’ll see how much love that is.

And that turned out to be a really comforting answer for me.  I hope it did for someone else, that’s why I wanted to post this.  Let me know if it helped you at all.

-LA

Taking A Mind Dump.

So this is a bit of a mind dump, but you know how it is…There’s a few things that I’ve learned this week I’d like to throw out there.

One of the first things that has really been punching me in the face so far as words from God is “Seek first the kingdom of God, and all things will be added to you.” Matt 6:33 basically.   Maaannn….I’m pissed off about that, haha.  B/c I know I should have known this before.  And I did, I knew the verse, but it never came to life as much as now.  (Crazy HS) But now it’s so obvious, if you don’t seek God first, you don’t win.  You lose.   You eventually and inevitably fail.  Maybe you win on this earth.  But you can tell in your heart, and other people can tell if they just analyze your intentions for one second where your motives lie. 

Second: Life is not fair…and that’s AWESOME.   If life were fair, 1st of all we’d all be dead.  Without grace, there’d be a lot of justice we deserve we don’t want.  Everyone wants justice till it’s on them. 

Thirdly,  Evil is still evil, and should never be explained that it was “for a good reason.”  A girl never gets raped, a person is never murdered for a good reason.  It’s just that God is able to take something horrible, and use the journey that person took to turn that situation into good.  The reason why I mention this is we try to explain away certain situations, without realizing the depth of pain the person went through in order to recover.  It’s not okay what happened whatever painful situation someone went through b/c of the results.  It was evil, and it still is evil.  The end does not justify the means.  But something else comes out of those kind of situations if you let God do his thing. 

Fourth:  Big one: A lot of people ask “Why are we here?”  But I think the question is better asked, “Why were we created?”  And the answer is kind of obvious.  Maybe obvious to you before, but it just came into light for me today…..

Think of all the leaders in the world.  They all have special gifts that made them deserve their position.   Think of all the good men in the world.  Would you rather them be a father to several children than the wrecked up hill-billy drug addict?  Of course you would, if not, try medication.  If that doesn’t help take your hand, and open it, and smack yourself.  Now the flipside of this, is that noticing you are a good man, or a good leader, not out of pride, but simple matter of the fact, you know you should in some respect serve using your gifts.  If you’re smart, you realize that it’s almost a responsibility not only to yourself, but to the world. 

Now, knowing who God is,  (going to briefly do a horrible job of who God is)being all-powerful, the epitome of goodness, and greatness He must lead people.  He would be dis-serving himself.  Not that God is obligated to create us, but rather he is incredibly deserving and it SHOULD be that He has followers and creation. 

Last, if you are not actively involved in bettering yourself, and you call yourself a Christian, I am angry at you.  B/c I’m angry at myself for letting myself be this way for this long.  Now I’m changing, and it’s been really really REALLY cool to see.  I have a way way way way long way to go.  Take for instance the story of the debtors Jesus talked about.  Some dude owed 10,000 talents.  A talent is equal to 20 years work.  Ummmmm YA.  Comparatively, if you make 50 grand a year, that’s 10 BILLION dollars.  Which is ridiculous.  So this dude asked for more time.  I just need about 1,000 more years, come on! Man, I don’t let 100 bucks go.  10 billion? This dude wasn’t a baller, he was a servant.  Making that normal 50 G’s.  From what I understand.  Anyway he asked for more time, the master says he forgives the debt. 

Ok if you were forgiven that much money, do you SERIOUSLY think that you would not be still incredibly indebted to that person?  Not out of obligation, but out of respect? 

You see where I’m going with this.  I mess up all the time.  But God already dropped all the charges.  How in the world can I not be devoting my entire life towards this God?  Judge yourself, if you’re living for what you want, searching for the right job, set God first and see what happens. 

I hate how this one turned out all preachy, but the fact is, I need to dump out my brain.  I’ll be back to edit.

Answers for the Answer-less.

Everyone on this planet, without over-characterizing, over-analyzing or over-generalizing wants answers.  Me especially.  I want to know why in the world this planet is so miserable.  And why I’ve been so cynical lately.

Truthfully, it’s stupid.  I try really hard while watching a movie to relate to one character and find out how he finds true happiness.  Relentlessly searching for the one thing that makes everything make sense.  As if one thing could.  How in the world is one Confucius haiku or phrase going to make it all better.

I over-analyze wonderfully (horribly).  I think of every situation I ever encounter and try to find either an analogy to explain how my life is or how it will be.

Where is the universal truth?  Is it love every one?  Make this planet green?  Save the whales?  Ride the wave?  “If you can dream it, you can do it!”?  WTF?

Seriously?  That’s the problem with my head, I go over and over and over the facts of where I am, who I’ve been and how in the crap I’m gonna make it into someone who’s worth SOME kind of merit.  As if I’m not some sort of human/zombie jello mold this world has conformed me into.   I just want answers.  Answers to every question I ever have.  Duh!  That’s not asking for much.

Now when I answer my own questions I end up with way too many possibilities.  Now let’s get this clear, I’m talking about all the questions that matter.  There are the day-to-day questions, but mainly the ones that really matter are the ones I want the answers to.   But like I said I see way too many possibilities of who I could be.  So I find myself deep in a deluded muck that is my life.  The facts merge together to form one big dirt cloud that leaves me answer-less.

So how do we cope?  With finding the next fix.  The stupidest way to do it.  But that’s all we do.  Well, since I don’t know what job I’m meant to do, I think I’ll just drink away the pain.  Or anything to occupy the time it takes in b/t searching for the answer and settling for the first thing that comes our way.

All I’m saying is, we can’t find these answers alone.

The Resolution (Rant)

“I just need light.  I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.”

-Jack Mannequin

I’m searching for that resolution too.  I think the answer is time…and this country is killing mine.

I am SO sick of this city.  What’s here?  There’s people, but there’s no culture.  It’s all a gray freaking mess.  It’s like melting all the crayons together to make one disgusting color rather than letting the colors be what they are by themselves.  And I’m not talking about blacks, asians, whites…; I’m talking about the norms.  Everyone in this place, and most of America is pressed to do some crap job for crap pay and forced to act like you have a crap personality where you pretend like you like your job so that you can deal with your crap boss.  “Yes sir, right away sir.”

I’m sick of this country.  Two weeks of vacation is ABSURD.  We need to get out, EVERY DAY.  We’re torn down by this day-to-day $*%#.  Every day is a drag, every day is a struggle to make it through.  Nobody ACTUALLY likes their job for the most part.  Everyone’s just doing it to get by, to pay the bill.

OUR PASSION IS KILLED.

What happened to happiness?  And when did it become status?  B/c my status is not my happiness.  My happiness is beaches, and freedom, and friends.  I can’t do much of that when I’m working full-time and have TWO?! weeks of vacation.  I’m sorry, but this is not the way to live.

Nobody can live this way.

NOBODY.

We need time with our families, our kids, away from our jobs so we might actually like our job for a change.

Jobs are like that one friend of yours,  you can handle him as long as you have a little time away from him every once in a while.

Europe does it right, from what I hear.  3 months vacation and working 4 days a week.

We’re moving.

Ceaseless; March Mind Dump

Incessant Unnecessary thoughts mess with my head.  To the point where I wish I was brain dead.  Way too many questions like, “What truly makes you happy?” “What do you want to do with your life, really?” “Where do you want to live?” “What should I be doing now?” “What’s the next step?” But the thing is…No answer I’ve come up with is the right one.

Then there’s the stupid ones like “Should I cut my hair b/c I like it that way or b/c I want to fit in and progress with my job?” “Should I even try to press forward with this job?” “Do I even care about this job, or is it just a paycheck?”  While writing this seems like genuine questions, I doubt these questions all the freaking time.  All the questions seem illegitimate.  I feel culturally and educationally illiterate, b/c I don’t have a degree.  Is it a degree that makes you worthy?  Or is all 4 years meant for a sense of accomplishment?  “Am I old enough to ask these questions?”  “Am I too old to be asking these questions?”

Maybe I’m one in the crowd.  Maybe I’m no one.  I’ve grown up thinking “I’m gonna be somebody!”  When really all I believe now is, “How can I not be nobody?”

I believe sometimes that someone will see all the creative parts about me and that they can utilize my strengths to do a job that I would love and get paid well, and work in a city so different than Charlotte I could call it home.

But the truth is; I’m misuderstood.

I try SO hard.  But I come across the way I’m not.  I’m not shy.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not careless.  I’m not selfish.  I’m all those things in other people’s skewed view of who I am.

Certain people trigger aspects of me I hate.  People who I think are funnier than me or w/e the case, I turn shy, and then try so hard to get out of it that I make myself look stupid. I compare myself to everyone.  I’m not as funny, not as clever, not as smart, not as outgoing, not as happy. Then the question is am I any of those any way?  Right now, I think I’m miserable inside.  I don’t get what I need to do to make me happy. So I ask a million questions to myself to attempt the unreachable answer.

Saying these things I feel like no one else would feel these things or say them the way that I do.  Like no one would really care b/c it’s just weird or something.  But I don’t really care b/c you had to read it, and now it’s your fault.

Bah.

THE END.

Carmen Ex Post Tragoedia

WHO ARE YOU?  I know who you are, but the God I know doesn’t do this.

You give me hope, only to tear it down?  Who does that?
Is my life a joke to you?  Because I spoke to you and asked you for help?
I asked for your help to embrace what you gave me, and I did.
I let myself out, and you closed the lid.

But it’s not like I gave up, I raised up to your occasion.
But this just feels like an abrasion that had no sense or reason.

Why can’t you just be clear?
I’m waiting for the fog to disappear.
B/c you wouldn’t do that…not now, not here…right?

I don’t get it. I’m so filled with anger, this RED RAGE, this “GET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE” feeling.
And I don’t know how these feelings will fade and turn from the floor to the ceiling.

And when I look up and I see my rage start to fade I realize it’s tragedy that brings color to the grey.

Because God, I ASKED you to break me, and YOU BROKE ME.
You threw me down on my back…just to bring me to my knees.
And it felt like an attack, God PLEASE don’t do it like that!

I know I’ve got these loaded prayers. God “let me” be your servant, “let me” be humbled.
I’m asking to be broken, I’m asking to learn,
but God I want it on MY terms.
I want to be a seeker, but You God, are the Teacher.
You teach through mistakes, heart aches, and heartbreaks.

But in this reality, graduality is all that I see
But I just want you to change me instantaneously.
I want to see the end, but it’s like it’s out of sight.
And here I am trapped in an ocean of hurt looking for your light…

So Who am I?…

People DIE for you!
And I get mad when you shake me up when I asked you to?!
Just…

God hear my prayer, because I mean it this time…
I’m not asking for anything just know that I’ll be fine,
Because I am yours, and you are mine.

I will praise you for the God that you ARE, not necessarily how you teach me.
But I pray that perpetually you will act in my life, and that you will come out and reach me.

God I know now, when darkness surrounds me, I will stop everything and shine YOUR light, not because I like being hurt or being a part of tragedy, but because YOU ARE GOD, AND YOU ARE WORTHY.  You have created this earth, this universe, this solar system how big YOU are and how small THAT darkness is when YOU shine.
Because YOU ARE GOD AND YOU ARE WORTHY of all that is in me to say YOU ARE WORTHY. You are a GARGANTUAN, INCONCEIVABLY BIG GOD…WHO CONTROLS EVERYTHING AND MAKES THIS LIFE
WORTH LIVING.  YOU HAVE THE GLORY, AND ALL POWER FOREVER.  YOU ARE MY GOD, AND I. AM. YOURS.

Gradual Poetry Pt II

As I’m swimming in the weeds of a grounded journey, I’m trying to gain the overhead perspective.  I’m taking every day, whether it’s normal, not so normal, or tragic, stirring it together, pouring in a thousand gallons of the preverbial “WHY?!” and letting it stew until it makes sense.  Lately that concoction has been pretty bitter-sweet. 

I’m not saying everything makes sense.  Or that I get everything, or anything really.  Except all I know is that stuff happens, and it’s whether I learn from it or not as to whether it had a purpose.  I believe very strongly that everything happens for a reason.  But what happens when you don’t understand the reason?  Let’s say you get robbed, what is the reason for that?  To teach you to lock your doors?…Idon’t really know.  But stuff happens.  God is the greatest teacher of all, but he’s also a story teller.  Your story teller.  Not so much that He’s telling others about you, but He’s telling YOU about you.

All I can really do when tragedy hits, is say okay, let it go, move on, focus on the positive aspects of either that tragedy if there are any (such as their effects), or focus on the moments in my life that made sense, and made me truly happy.

I find myself going through every day just living, moving, breathing.  But I focus on the day as a whole.  Okay I worked, I ate lunch, blah, blah.  It’s like when your mom or dad asks how your day went as a kid.  “Fine.” is your reply.  But you’re answering yourself in that same way.  My day was fine I guess.  But what recently I’ve said to myself at random points in the day “right now I am happy.” and in that moment, I can flourish.  Precisely at that moment I was happy.  Whether it was just the fall air, or a song on the radio, or just being done with work.  And when I focus on those moments, my life becomes poetically beautiful.  And finding yourself happy helps you find yourself.  (I think)

I don’t know a lot, but I am learning to be okay with myself.  And be okay with those moments that make me happy.

But I guess this gradual poetry that I’m talking about really is just how to find happiness in your life.  Or constant hope.  I just want to encourage people to find the beauty that is their story whether it is tragic or happy.  Life is that up and down roller-coaster (for me a bunch of loops), and we’re just along for the ride.  Enjoy it while it lasts. :]

What Matters?

Not anger.

Not stress.

Living a life worth living.