Answers for the Answer-less.

Everyone on this planet, without over-characterizing, over-analyzing or over-generalizing wants answers.  Me especially.  I want to know why in the world this planet is so miserable.  And why I’ve been so cynical lately.

Truthfully, it’s stupid.  I try really hard while watching a movie to relate to one character and find out how he finds true happiness.  Relentlessly searching for the one thing that makes everything make sense.  As if one thing could.  How in the world is one Confucius haiku or phrase going to make it all better.

I over-analyze wonderfully (horribly).  I think of every situation I ever encounter and try to find either an analogy to explain how my life is or how it will be.

Where is the universal truth?  Is it love every one?  Make this planet green?  Save the whales?  Ride the wave?  “If you can dream it, you can do it!”?  WTF?

Seriously?  That’s the problem with my head, I go over and over and over the facts of where I am, who I’ve been and how in the crap I’m gonna make it into someone who’s worth SOME kind of merit.  As if I’m not some sort of human/zombie jello mold this world has conformed me into.   I just want answers.  Answers to every question I ever have.  Duh!  That’s not asking for much.

Now when I answer my own questions I end up with way too many possibilities.  Now let’s get this clear, I’m talking about all the questions that matter.  There are the day-to-day questions, but mainly the ones that really matter are the ones I want the answers to.   But like I said I see way too many possibilities of who I could be.  So I find myself deep in a deluded muck that is my life.  The facts merge together to form one big dirt cloud that leaves me answer-less.

So how do we cope?  With finding the next fix.  The stupidest way to do it.  But that’s all we do.  Well, since I don’t know what job I’m meant to do, I think I’ll just drink away the pain.  Or anything to occupy the time it takes in b/t searching for the answer and settling for the first thing that comes our way.

All I’m saying is, we can’t find these answers alone.

The Resolution (Rant)

“I just need light.  I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution.”

-Jack Mannequin

I’m searching for that resolution too.  I think the answer is time…and this country is killing mine.

I am SO sick of this city.  What’s here?  There’s people, but there’s no culture.  It’s all a gray freaking mess.  It’s like melting all the crayons together to make one disgusting color rather than letting the colors be what they are by themselves.  And I’m not talking about blacks, asians, whites…; I’m talking about the norms.  Everyone in this place, and most of America is pressed to do some crap job for crap pay and forced to act like you have a crap personality where you pretend like you like your job so that you can deal with your crap boss.  “Yes sir, right away sir.”

I’m sick of this country.  Two weeks of vacation is ABSURD.  We need to get out, EVERY DAY.  We’re torn down by this day-to-day $*%#.  Every day is a drag, every day is a struggle to make it through.  Nobody ACTUALLY likes their job for the most part.  Everyone’s just doing it to get by, to pay the bill.

OUR PASSION IS KILLED.

What happened to happiness?  And when did it become status?  B/c my status is not my happiness.  My happiness is beaches, and freedom, and friends.  I can’t do much of that when I’m working full-time and have TWO?! weeks of vacation.  I’m sorry, but this is not the way to live.

Nobody can live this way.

NOBODY.

We need time with our families, our kids, away from our jobs so we might actually like our job for a change.

Jobs are like that one friend of yours,  you can handle him as long as you have a little time away from him every once in a while.

Europe does it right, from what I hear.  3 months vacation and working 4 days a week.

We’re moving.

Ceaseless; March Mind Dump

Incessant Unnecessary thoughts mess with my head.  To the point where I wish I was brain dead.  Way too many questions like, “What truly makes you happy?” “What do you want to do with your life, really?” “Where do you want to live?” “What should I be doing now?” “What’s the next step?” But the thing is…No answer I’ve come up with is the right one.

Then there’s the stupid ones like “Should I cut my hair b/c I like it that way or b/c I want to fit in and progress with my job?” “Should I even try to press forward with this job?” “Do I even care about this job, or is it just a paycheck?”  While writing this seems like genuine questions, I doubt these questions all the freaking time.  All the questions seem illegitimate.  I feel culturally and educationally illiterate, b/c I don’t have a degree.  Is it a degree that makes you worthy?  Or is all 4 years meant for a sense of accomplishment?  “Am I old enough to ask these questions?”  “Am I too old to be asking these questions?”

Maybe I’m one in the crowd.  Maybe I’m no one.  I’ve grown up thinking “I’m gonna be somebody!”  When really all I believe now is, “How can I not be nobody?”

I believe sometimes that someone will see all the creative parts about me and that they can utilize my strengths to do a job that I would love and get paid well, and work in a city so different than Charlotte I could call it home.

But the truth is; I’m misuderstood.

I try SO hard.  But I come across the way I’m not.  I’m not shy.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not careless.  I’m not selfish.  I’m all those things in other people’s skewed view of who I am.

Certain people trigger aspects of me I hate.  People who I think are funnier than me or w/e the case, I turn shy, and then try so hard to get out of it that I make myself look stupid. I compare myself to everyone.  I’m not as funny, not as clever, not as smart, not as outgoing, not as happy. Then the question is am I any of those any way?  Right now, I think I’m miserable inside.  I don’t get what I need to do to make me happy. So I ask a million questions to myself to attempt the unreachable answer.

Saying these things I feel like no one else would feel these things or say them the way that I do.  Like no one would really care b/c it’s just weird or something.  But I don’t really care b/c you had to read it, and now it’s your fault.

Bah.

THE END.

Carmen Ex Post Tragoedia

WHO ARE YOU?  I know who you are, but the God I know doesn’t do this.

You give me hope, only to tear it down?  Who does that?
Is my life a joke to you?  Because I spoke to you and asked you for help?
I asked for your help to embrace what you gave me, and I did.
I let myself out, and you closed the lid.

But it’s not like I gave up, I raised up to your occasion.
But this just feels like an abrasion that had no sense or reason.

Why can’t you just be clear?
I’m waiting for the fog to disappear.
B/c you wouldn’t do that…not now, not here…right?

I don’t get it. I’m so filled with anger, this RED RAGE, this “GET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE” feeling.
And I don’t know how these feelings will fade and turn from the floor to the ceiling.

And when I look up and I see my rage start to fade I realize it’s tragedy that brings color to the grey.

Because God, I ASKED you to break me, and YOU BROKE ME.
You threw me down on my back…just to bring me to my knees.
And it felt like an attack, God PLEASE don’t do it like that!

I know I’ve got these loaded prayers. God “let me” be your servant, “let me” be humbled.
I’m asking to be broken, I’m asking to learn,
but God I want it on MY terms.
I want to be a seeker, but You God, are the Teacher.
You teach through mistakes, heart aches, and heartbreaks.

But in this reality, graduality is all that I see
But I just want you to change me instantaneously.
I want to see the end, but it’s like it’s out of sight.
And here I am trapped in an ocean of hurt looking for your light…

So Who am I?…

People DIE for you!
And I get mad when you shake me up when I asked you to?!
Just…

God hear my prayer, because I mean it this time…
I’m not asking for anything just know that I’ll be fine,
Because I am yours, and you are mine.

I will praise you for the God that you ARE, not necessarily how you teach me.
But I pray that perpetually you will act in my life, and that you will come out and reach me.

God I know now, when darkness surrounds me, I will stop everything and shine YOUR light, not because I like being hurt or being a part of tragedy, but because YOU ARE GOD, AND YOU ARE WORTHY.  You have created this earth, this universe, this solar system how big YOU are and how small THAT darkness is when YOU shine.
Because YOU ARE GOD AND YOU ARE WORTHY of all that is in me to say YOU ARE WORTHY. You are a GARGANTUAN, INCONCEIVABLY BIG GOD…WHO CONTROLS EVERYTHING AND MAKES THIS LIFE
WORTH LIVING.  YOU HAVE THE GLORY, AND ALL POWER FOREVER.  YOU ARE MY GOD, AND I. AM. YOURS.

Gradual Poetry Pt II

As I’m swimming in the weeds of a grounded journey, I’m trying to gain the overhead perspective.  I’m taking every day, whether it’s normal, not so normal, or tragic, stirring it together, pouring in a thousand gallons of the preverbial “WHY?!” and letting it stew until it makes sense.  Lately that concoction has been pretty bitter-sweet. 

I’m not saying everything makes sense.  Or that I get everything, or anything really.  Except all I know is that stuff happens, and it’s whether I learn from it or not as to whether it had a purpose.  I believe very strongly that everything happens for a reason.  But what happens when you don’t understand the reason?  Let’s say you get robbed, what is the reason for that?  To teach you to lock your doors?…Idon’t really know.  But stuff happens.  God is the greatest teacher of all, but he’s also a story teller.  Your story teller.  Not so much that He’s telling others about you, but He’s telling YOU about you.

All I can really do when tragedy hits, is say okay, let it go, move on, focus on the positive aspects of either that tragedy if there are any (such as their effects), or focus on the moments in my life that made sense, and made me truly happy.

I find myself going through every day just living, moving, breathing.  But I focus on the day as a whole.  Okay I worked, I ate lunch, blah, blah.  It’s like when your mom or dad asks how your day went as a kid.  “Fine.” is your reply.  But you’re answering yourself in that same way.  My day was fine I guess.  But what recently I’ve said to myself at random points in the day “right now I am happy.” and in that moment, I can flourish.  Precisely at that moment I was happy.  Whether it was just the fall air, or a song on the radio, or just being done with work.  And when I focus on those moments, my life becomes poetically beautiful.  And finding yourself happy helps you find yourself.  (I think)

I don’t know a lot, but I am learning to be okay with myself.  And be okay with those moments that make me happy.

But I guess this gradual poetry that I’m talking about really is just how to find happiness in your life.  Or constant hope.  I just want to encourage people to find the beauty that is their story whether it is tragic or happy.  Life is that up and down roller-coaster (for me a bunch of loops), and we’re just along for the ride.  Enjoy it while it lasts. :]

What Matters?

Not anger.

Not stress.

Living a life worth living.

Gradual Poetry

So I’m sitting here in what would seem an absolutely unpoetic Jiffy Lube.  Getting my TWC van’s oil changed.  And I’ve been thinking how I’d love to become a master in the art of life by being able to focus my energy much like legendary masters of kung fu.  That’s most likely because I just saw the movie Kung Fu Panda which was awesome by the way.  But seriously, some of the characters in that movie were genius’s. 

There were lots of little gems in that movie such as “there are no accidents,” and the general theme of to be one with yourself and the world around you.  If you’ve ever looked into eastern culture you’ll notice how well their leaders (not political) focus and have peace with their surroundings and what they are given. 

I have been known to say (probably only to myself :] ) that life is not a certain thing, or things, but rather a collection of experiences that you in turn make into what you’re view of life is. 

That being said, you must know that you’ll never be happy if you never let yourself be.  I’m saying this because life is extremely gradual.  When you watch a movie, everything is very poetic (depending on the movie)  but a lot of the time you’ll go home from a movie and say, “I wish my life was like that.”  But in reality you saw the important parts of possibly years and years with huge gaps that would be filled with the mundane day-to-day tasks.  If you looked at your life with the same outsiders viewing and just saw the important parts you would see how poetic your life can be.  The problem is we are grounded and we only see what’s in front of us, and what’s hard for us to see is that there is poetry being written. 

When we ask ourselves “why?!” out of frustration or desperation as to why we are where we are, or why we are doing what we are doing, maybe we should be asking what is God teaching me? 

Just know that God, the greatest writer that there ever was/is/will be is telling your story, and if you let him, you will have your happy ending.

Me, Myself & Irate

Do you ever get really frustrated with just the way that you ARE?  Cos if you do, doesn’t it suck horribly?  I’ve been struggling to find out how my mind actually works.  It frustrates me when I shut down in certain situations.  BUT I’m really excited, because recently I found out a great way to explain it….

     If you’ve ever heard of the disc test, TAKE IT.  Seriously it’s amazing.  You can completely get a better grip on who you are, and how other people are.  Why they react to certain things the way that they do, what makes them happy, who they work well with, et cetera.  I definitely, definitely have used it to understand people after taking it.  Alright, but if you don’t take it you may not understand this, but I’ll explain it real quick.  D, I, S, & C are the four different personality types.  Every person pretty much has all of them, but it’s what you have the most of that really describes you.  D – Dominant This is someone who makes decisions, quickly, and leads people, they can seem harsh, but their great decision makers.  I – Influential These are the party people, love to have fun, people oriented and outgoing.  S – Stable These are the people who are loyal, stable, rely on others for decisions, and rely mostly on their relationships with other people.  C – Cautious  These are the nerdies who love detail, they make every decision slowly after observing their options. 

So, I’m an S, I or an I, S.  This is where I get to explain how my mind works.  I’m stable, loyal (although not resistant to change), I rely on relationships for my own self-worth, my job is important to me, I have to do well at it.  The I part of me is outgoing, people oriented, I can rely on what others think of me, and I have a hard time with being prompt about stuff.  So, here’s the thing.  S’s and I’s are very different.  I score highly in both.  This means I can almost be introverted, submissive, but then all of the sudden be off the wall and really outgoing.  I realize now that my happiness dwells on my relationships with other people, and my job.  I struggle with self-worth recently, and I realize that’s because I don’t have as many friends as I did before.  I draw my confidence from other people.  I also realize that I don’t like my job very much because it’s very DETAIL oriented, and I’m people oriented.  I do realize I like my job more now that I’m going into peoples houses and talking to them.  Funny how obvious everything is, once you get the right glasses to look at it with. 

So my point in this is find out who you are, and how you react to stuff because it defintely helps.  Counseling can do that, or just take the disc test.  It’s completely worth it.

KBYE

‘False Faults Are Too True’ or ‘The Blame Game’

Ahhh yes a second entry, maybe I’m committing to this blog…

Ok, so basically I’m confused. Pretty much daily. I feel like I have some ducks in a row, then I discover something about myself. I’ve gone my whole life thinking that I have the right intentions for things, or think that I’m doing the right thing, but I realize some of the time I’m completely not. I just can’t believe I didn’t notice this kinda stuff sooner. And honestly it makes me sick that I’m not the only one who was oblivious.

I try really hard (or at least I tell myself that I do), to be that great guy who knows what he’s talking about. The thing is, I don’t have hardly anything figured out. For instance tonight I asked Nicole a question about something she had said the other night. I knew she was tired. The answer’s important to me, and I really want to know what it is. But I gave her the option since she was tired to answer it or not. She chose to answer it later since she was tired. Old Luke would have given her the option, but then tried to force the answer out anyway. I’d say something like well could you just give me a hint of whether it was bad or not? Or could you give me a summary? Progressive Luke bit his tongue and actually let her decide to answer later. Which I’m proud of that, but I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do that a while back.

So what would have been so wrong about what the Old Luke would have done? Well, I wouldn’t really be giving her that option. It’s completely unfair. And honestly, the more that I think about it, it’s childish. It would prove I have no self-control. “I JUST WANNA KNOW NOW!” Like a freaking 6 yr. old. I find myself battling with adulthood issues like this.

I have to say I was never taught how to be honest with myself, or how to REALLY be an adult, or “a man.” Which “a man” is a misconstrued idea in this world in a lot of places. “A man” is not a beer drinkin’, race watchin’, “MAKE ME A SAMMICH!” yellin’, spouse disregarding animal. “A man” is an image of God with a handle on his emotions with a strong will to take action being. Animal vs. Being I guess. And listen I don’t mean to make it sound like I am blaming my parents for the way I am. I’m blaming my parents for what habits I have to break. Because the way I am is not always something I can’t change. I can change the desire to force an answer out of someone, I can change the way I react to anything. It’s all conditioning. I guess what I’m realizing as I’m writing this, is that the way you were raised doesn’t necessarily make who you are going to be permanently, but rather if you wish you didn’t react the way you do to certain stuff you have to re-train yourself. Which is incredibly hard & time consuming. But that’s what adulthood is about. Being smart and then strong.

In addition to the epidemic of Americans as “non-thinkers,” I would say America has a problem with The Blame Game. We all so desperately want to pass of the blame so that we can conveniently go on about our lives. That’s what America’s motto should be: “Convenience. It Rocks, Dude!” Which, it does, but it’s not cool when it makes you lazier and hurts you as a person. Convenience is like a double fudge chocolate cake. It is aweeessommeee. But too much of it could make you fat and lazy. I’m not saying don’t use your remote control, but it’s more other principles like ordering pizza when you could make a salad type deal, right? But back to blaming, we love to blame other people for how we are. I could really blame my parents for not setting me up to be on my own. Or have any kind of financial advice. Or really just being proactive on anything at all. Or how to find out how to get a good deal on something. Idk. Anything would have helped so that I’m not so ill-equipped for the real world. I really can’t say much because they never went to a financial class, the never went to a marriage counseling class, they never studied anything except what was convenient. They are part of the American epidemic called non-thinkers. But the fact is, I was given what I’ve been given. I just have to learn it on my own. I can blame them for my habits that I have to break. But it doesn’t give me an excuse not to break them. Otherwise I form a false fault of my actions/reactions.

So all I can really try to do is realize a few things about myself:

1. I’ll always realize I’ve got something messed up that I do
2. Every time I notice one of those I’ve got to break that habit or it’s a wasted thought
3. I’ve got to be strong about saying No to certain things to gain control over myself

But in this quest to be the best I ask myself is this really just a test to assess how much less or more I do? I must confess it puts on a lot of stress, creating a giant mess, thinking the way that I do.

But I know that the more I think/talk about it, the more aware and the more I can assess the issue.

If I could form this whole blog into a couple sentences, I’d say: I don’t know what I’m talking about, but don’t screw up your life. Just keep improving on yourself and you’ll be a good person.

The Means of Life is a Mean Life

Disclaimer:  I’m opening up one of these, because knowing that my mind is out on the Internet for whoever to see makes my thoughts more real, almost tangible.  Now you can know who I am and where I stand. I used to be more open, but due to circumstances I may touch on later I closed a bit up.  I hope to say I am back and with a vengeance, but my passion has had a disease my entire life of being consistently inconsistent.  I do feel very different this time.  This past Sunday might have been a break-through.

Over the past while I’ve been struggling to pin-point my feelings, and I honestly think it’s because I haven’t been writing for a while.  I’ve suffered with constant confusion and a daily delusion that I have anything together.  Writing helps me simplify the ‘pandemonium’ I get from the everyday crap that bogs me down.  I know now how great of a way it is to validate, verify, and put some value into what I’m actually feeling. 

Basically, it’s a form of therapy that helps me think, and help me communicate better.  I has problem with effectives communicately correcting.  :] 

I also believe in an epidemic of “non-thinkers” and this is why I delve into my feelings.   But that’s another blog.

I keep saying, “I,” “Me,” and “feelings.”  I feel like that’s not a good way for me to be, but hey this is my blog so I get to tell you about myself.  After all this is my therapy.

——-_______DUMPING OUT THIS WEEK_______——-

Dave’s been talking about pandemonium this past month, and I feel like that hit me hard.  A possible break-through happened because it all kind of came together this past Sunday.  I realized that life is this constant mess of shrubbery (sounds like an awesome perspective already, right?) that is all fangled, mangled and tangled into a giant heap of crap.  And in order for me to keep some kind of outsider perspective I have to be CONSISTENT.  I don’t mean to sound like I have life figured out.  That’s something that bothers me.  As Americans, we try to define life in a few simple words or steps.  But that’s bogus, life is complicated, and impossible to define.  It’s just a mess.  All we can do is just try to make sense of what we’ve got.  Anyway…Speaking of Consistent…Dave freaking hits me every time, even more than Britney Spears who has to hit me one more time.  Bah.  But I didn’t realize how HUGE that consistency is.  Here’s a question, how much consistency do you need?  Ha.  It’s ridiculous how much I need in order to stay focused.  This is what has happened to me consistently once I had a faith of my own:  I would go to church on Sunday, maybe get something out of it, and Monday comes, it’s gone.  Saturday is rough, and then Sunday I realized what I had been missing.   A freakin’ circle.  I struggle to focus. 

This week, God broke me down.  And came in like the Kool-Aid guy through my bedroom wall.  Except I didn’t get any fruit drink, but rather a healthy dose of humility-aid.  And honestly, it kind of tastes like cough medicine.  I feel as if I finally can admit that I am nothing.  God broke my pride.   I am absolutely nothing.  A speck on this earth.  Ha.  There are BILLIONS of other people living on this planet.  Who am I?  I am no-one.  Absolutely no-one, nothing.  But I want SO PASSIONATELY to be SOMEONE.  GOD, I WANT TO BE SOMEONE.  I want God to look down on the Earth and there’s a light in concord.  As if God would say, “Everyone breathes, eats, grows up, goes to school, gets a job, gets married, has kids, maybe goes to church, but never feels me.  There are billions of these.  A dime a dozen would be a joke of a phrase.  But Luke…he did something BIG to be who he was/is.”  It’s not that I feel like God will accept me, I know he does.  But I feel like I could accept myself, and at least when I get to heaven I don’t feel inadequate.  I fight DAILY with inadequacy.  That’s a problem of mine.  But it’s also a strength of mine I believe.  B/c it fuels my passion for doing something BIG, and THAT I don’t believe is wrong.  God uses the weak, and I am weak.  So God, use me.

So in order to find a sense of worth, I’ve been looking for different jobs, potentially with a group of Christians.  The reason for that is, I believe in order to help fuel my passion, I need to surround myself with deep relationships that can build me up more than just talk about how great Bojangles is, and how good looking that girl was for a sixteen year old  (For the record Bojangles is terrible). …I work at Time Warner Cable, what can I say.  I just feel like I need a job doing something of worth.  I would also take a job that could just give me more time to focus on getting more involved with what’s going on in Kinetic.

I did ask God to tear me down and build me back up.  He tore me down really good then, Ha.  But I know I had to have a lot stripped down to become where I am now.  I had a lot of pride before, and a lot of selfishness.  I pray my motivation and passion will stay strong. 

So maybe I’ll type a prayer, that maybe you the reader could use too:

God, you are my God.  And I am yours.  I am so small, so make me big.  I am nothing, but through you, I can be everything.  Fuel my passion.  Because when my passion is strong I feel you the most.  Move in my life.  And please move me.  Keep my pride broken, but keep me strong for you.  Give me wisdom and words to use to share it.  God, build me to be unconditionally yours.  God, you are my God.  And I am yours.

How consistent would I be if I said that often?

Anyway, thanks for listening.